the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
