did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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