I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
