Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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