We're facebook friends in real life
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
