My Higher Power is John Stamos
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
