as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
