FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
being pregnant is like rehab
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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