so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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