so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
My ATM looks so different sober.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
