I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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