you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
