I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
