Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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