You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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