we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
