my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
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