peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
