one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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