its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Rumble strips road head = magical
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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