my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
