yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
