I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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