my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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