Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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