I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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