thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
