We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
