goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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