What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
