Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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