God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Randomize
