Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
