the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
