seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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