overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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