you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
