life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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