last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
