Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
