also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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