I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
