remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
