I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Randomize
