i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
