That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
