go do what you do best...puke behind churches
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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