cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
