I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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