I just saw a hot homeless man
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
