I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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