Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
